What I Learned When I Slowed Down
WHY I TOOK A SABBATICAL
In August of 2021 I learned that my Dad could no longer walk
which told us that, according to his illness, this was the beginning of the
end. I learned a new term – anticipatory
grief – this fell over me and although I couldn’t have named it at the time, it
began to chip away at my emotional, relational and mental energy for ministry
and life responsibilities. During the
Fall of 2021 I managed the ministry basics while going back and forth to/from
PA in order to be with my Dad and assist my Mom/family with his care. Finally in Nov 2021 my Dad slipped into the
arms of Jesus and we celebrated his life on December 4th. Grieving him was and continues to be
difficult but holy work.
Many of you know that I’ve also battled joint issues and
chronic pain for many years, adding surgery upon surgery to my list. Chronic pain is like navigating life with a
battery that runs out more quickly than those who are not in pain, and
considering this – I still (by God’s strength) managed to support this ministry,
work with students, finish my Doctorate and serve in various other capacities. I had been avoiding a knee replacement
surgery for 4 years – trying every other approach I could. When Dad passed away, it was finally time to
tackle that surgery.
And so – the combination of grief plus chronic pain and
years of ministry fatigue with no real sabbatical ever – put in me a place
where I found that I had no choice but to ask for some leave. After conferring with my supervisors and
supporting churches, I requested and was granted a combination of Medical and
Sabbatical leave from ISI, January – July of 2022.
WHAT I DID
Jan-Feb: I had a successful total knee replacement
surgery on January 31, 2022. For six
weeks after surgery – some very loving friends stayed with me and took care of
me while I recovered and started physical therapy.
March – May: I did physical therapy regularly, spent
time with family (especially Mom), and spent time with mentors, a Sabbatical
Coach, a Spiritual Director, talked regularly with a pastor from my church, and
rested and journaled. I did only a little bit of travel, but remained in NYC –
enjoying down time, puzzles, close friends, books, movies, coffee, painted some
furniture, and enjoyed getting to know my new cat Patches. Beginning in May, I
started going to physical therapy 4-5x/week in order to work on both lower and
upper body areas of pain.
June & July: In June I went to ISI’s National
Conference to begin reconnecting with the team and ministry, and July found me
again with family, friends (especially at my sister’s pool!) and occasionally
on the beach in Long Island!
WHAT I RECEIVED
It is a difficult task to summarize many precious moments
with God, His Word, good books, good counsel and good rest. But I will do my best:
First – SLOWING DOWN & PAYING ATTENTION.
Sabbatical afforded me the opportunity to slow down and
notice: I began to notice habits that
were not life-giving and address them. I
noticed thought patterns that did not reflect Christ and began to counteract
them. I noticed physical pain that I had
pushed aside and began to address it intentionally. I noticed my grief – how unpredictable it is –
and how important it was to name and grieve all that was lost when my Dad went
home to Jesus. And I noticed places of
spiritual apathy that had slipped in – and began to seek His restorative work
and power. The #1 book from my Sabbatical was The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry
by John Mark Comer. I can’t recommend it enough. I soaked in its truths about following Jesus
into a better way of doing life.
Second – DEPTH.
I read/listened to several books related to how our phones
and the internet train our brains into states of constant distraction and addiction. I used to read for hours at a time, book
after book. Lately – I find it harder
and harder to concentrate for long periods of time. Sabbatical afforded me time to name the unconscious
“liturgies” I had adopted around my phone and TV and the internet that was
robbing me of the mental space for depth and reflection.
I also found that grief deepens us. I am leaving Sabbatical
with a greater appreciation for the pain of loss and a greater sense of
compassion for all.
Third – SIMPLICITY
I’m an ambitious and somewhat driven person. These ambitions tend to be in excellent
things. I can always come up with a new
idea or project! Similarly to home décor
– more is often not better, it’s just… more, more cluttered and even
wasteful. While my role does require
many things of me (I wear many hats), I am now striving to simplify projects
and pursuits within the calling that He has placed on my heart. I’m choosing stronger boundaries in some areas
and loosening other areas. I’m working
on accepting my limits (all of them!) and trusting His work, beyond me as well
as in and through me.
Finally - RESTORED PASSION
Sometimes it is easy to “leak” our excitement for the
Kingdom for a wide variety of reasons, and I was certainly there. Things such as the needs of people,
complexity in leadership issues, and a full schedule can wear anyone down. As I
leave Sabbatical I can say that I’m truly excited again – excited to lead,
disciple, share Jesus, mobilize for His work, and pour into others. AND I’m excited to continue being discipled
and shepherded myself as I pour out for others.
Most importantly – I have a strong sense of His presence and
purpose, one might say “the weight of the Spirit” moving me forward into this next
season. Without His presence, I would
not go forward.
WHAT I WILL GIVE AWAY
While many leaders and pastors find themselves giving from
emptiness, I now am returning ready to give from fullness. Everything deposited within me during these
past six months is somehow marinating in me and will flavor all that I do going
forward.
HOW I AM NOW:
Physically – knee replacements take a long time to recover
from but I’m doing great. Still in physical
therapy. Hip pain and spine/muscle pain
are still an issue – but I’m pursuing treatment regularly. And now I get to
have a wisdom tooth removed!! Ha
Spiritually & Emotionally – Ready to come back, a little
apprehensive for the tsunami awaiting me – but ready and leaning on Him deeply.
I feel I have margin again – enough energy
to even return to my choir and sing again!
A HUGE THANK YOU TO…
·
ISI and
my boss David L for approving my leave, despite his own need for time away at
the same time.
·
My team –
for covering where I needed it while I was away & being so supportive.
·
Dana –
for keeping the administrative backbone of ISI strong during this season and
always!
·
Mom –
for letting me drag her to every antique store within an hour’s drive!
·
My team
of Shepherds: Kelly Ng, Lisa Chinn, Jim
Cofield and Tim Austin.
L· David & Crystal for the use of their car – so that I could easily drive to be with family and friends, and get in some beach days!
·
Supporters
who continued to give and rejoiced that I was resting.
·
ATS for
allowing me leave from teaching, and Steve for covering that course!
·
NLF Church
for your friendship and pastoral care, grief booklets, and enthusiasm for this
choice!
·
All of
the friends who listened and processed with me – cheered me on – and made me
laugh!
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